Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Spotless Mind

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind was a movie I have actually never seen much less heard of. It may have come up once when discussing movies but most of my friends tend to ignore me since my knowledge of pop culture is lacking (I have never seen ET or Star Wars). So mostly when I do see a movie, I need to think about it for a few days before stating an opinion if I like it or not. I have come to the conclusion that besides having to watch it again, I do like Eternal Sunshine. This movie has given me much to think about over the past few days. I find myself going through my own memories and wondering what I would erase if given the chance. That is if I would erase anything at all.

Most of the traumatic experiences in my life have shaped the person I am today. I know more about life and death then I ever have wanted to, but never was given the choice of having to deal with this emotional pain. I just did. My grandfather died when I was three years old, my mother explained the concept of death to me. I was young but yet old enough to understand that my “pop” was not coming back. Later that year an aide at my preschool had a heart attack and passed away. I was one of the few kids to understand the concept of death already. Most parents wanted it hidden, mine wanted to explain. Throughout the years after I had been to a few funerals and wakes. It was fairly scattered until my high school year. In an act of what can only be described as irony, my grandmothers siblings (starting from youngest to oldest) started dying. There were three consecutive deaths in three consecutive years before the pattern was broken. It happened that the next sister in line became extremely ill but ultimately survived. One of the siblings that passed away, however, was my godmother. There was a year of no deaths and then my grandmother (the oldest of her siblings) died. Another year passed and then the death of my father occurred.

How can you delete a prominent figure in your life? There was talk about deleting an abusive family member but they may still be needed. Deleting the existence of a mother or father, most forms are impossible to fill out. I have continuously needed my mother’s maiden name or my father’s middle to complete sections of documents. For FAFSA, I needed all of my parents information and just because my father died or has been deceased does not mean questions are not asked about him. Erasing a figure also means erasing everything that person ever taught you. From how to ride a bike or how to play a sport, if every memory of that activity included them in some way, do you forget to how to perform that action? The sense of smell is also strongly connected to memory, this is scientifically proven. Do you lose the familiarity of that scent or keep the awareness but not know why it is present? These are not all of the physical questions that just cannot be explained.

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