Sic Transit Gloria

A new start.

2009-08-05T22:08:00.001-07:00

So now that the class has ended, maybe the blog can continue though not centered on pain. I have finished two out of three classes. I am glad to be rid of crazy spanish and gender teachers and the stress that came with both. 20 days till I head back north to school. I am counting down by the minutes. This has been the most stressful summer of my life and I cannot wait for it to end.

However with one door closing the new pressure of being a third year mocker arrises. The mock trial team had me physically ill last semester with all the problems and I don't see much relief in the future from it. Quit! People have screamed to me to end it all, but I can't. Maybe I'm a masochist and welcome it but I just can't get away.

At least I will get away from my mother, God knows we need some time apart. We are two very different people who want two very different things for me in life. I want to push myself and she thinks I'm going to fall on my face. Time for a step back and a step away. She doesn't shout anymore and for some reason that bothers me the most out of everything going on. Who knows? Maybe silence really does break the heart.

A poetic response

2009-03-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

When hearing the critizisms of the falling man and other artists, I thought one of my responses should be in an art form.

A ode to the 9/11 artist

Who are we to deny
family, friends and artists alike
the beauty, the sorrow
and an overwhelming wish
for a better life
a kinder death
and the painful awakening
to a world deeply troubled
for all we see is a man
a man who holds up a camera
as only an artist can
and looks through a lens
a man falls
a man dies
the living hold their breath
and wait
but the man with the camera
does as he always has
focus in and snap
it is a shot that changes a nation
a picture that headlines a tragedy
so now we wait
we wait in honor
we wait for love
we mourn but still live
and to the artist
eyes scrutinize and mouths rant
not enough gore or heartbreak
not enough pain
and the experience is judged
art, testimony, accounts
of an event that shook all
and brought a world to its knees
but who will share the pain
look upon a picture created
not of splendor and art
but of passion
for beauty is not lost
when blind eyes are turned
but shoved to the side
and not openly stared upon
still looked at by those
who admire not with just body
but also with soul

Something to talk about in the locker room

2009-02-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

We watched Harold and Maude the other day in class. I am in love with the movie. No lie. We watched it on Tuesday in class, on Wednesday I bought it and watched it with a friend, yesterday I watched it again with other friends... it keeps getting better. Especially when I told one friend it was a romantic comedy and she would enjoy it. She did, but not because it was a romantic comedy.

To explain Harold and Maude would be like trying to explain the fun of fishing to a vegan. You don't get the full experience and it loses its majesty. After coming back from the movie, a friend and I were talking about it. People in my suite (especially my roommate) were giving us horrified looks as we laughed about the "suicide" attempts of the movie. Of course we knew that it wasn't real and the movie made it humorous but no one else understood the humor. That is why I went an bought the movie.

The movie itself reminded me of Juno and its lax feel with witty dialogue and mellow music. While Juno is more indie and Harold and Maude is ...well Cat Stevens, it still brings a soothing feel to the movie. Of course after watching the movie (for the second time) we watched Thank You For Smoking (same people who produced Juno). Another out there kind of film.

It is no wonder why Harold and Maude is a cult classic. I am sad I did not discover it earlier and am immensely thankful for the chance to have seen it and more importantly share it. It is an inspiring movie of living life to the fullest and never taking one day for granted. Death is not the end, mearly a new beginning.

Celestina

2009-02-20T17:30:00.000-08:00

A book that has captivated generations but hardly known within the US. As a country we certainly don't branch into many spanish classics, especially when making a summer reading list. Some may have read Don Juan or Don Quixote but few have heard of, much less read, Celestina. I have never read it either. While my father may have been raised in the Puerto Rican culture of Brooklyn NY, I can safely say I have never heard of him speak of the play like novel. It captivates and makes you question to reality of your dreams and desires, especially involving that of your love.
The presentation given by Professor Ealy was interesting. I applaud him for giving such a speech and thought it was wonderful. I was, however, most engaged during the question and answer period both with the audience and again with only the class. I found myself questioning the lack of God in the book, feeling if anything the author was more symbolic than blunt. It made for a fascinating story. The characters were often illusioned by their desires and fantasies instead of being tied to reality and the person they were with. I have never read anything like this and found it interesting if not a bit unusual.

Laughing at things that might not be funny...

2009-02-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

An over need to figure out the difference between publish post and save now... *grumbles*

This is super late but I still felt the need to post it.

Last week I attended a lecture on Rape Jokes. It was meant to bring about awareness not defend the topic of rape. Walked into the lecture not really sure what to expect. Rape is a tough subject to talk about anytime but I kept an open mind and hoped for the best. I took three pages of notes throughout the whole lecture. I couldnt stop writing and thinking of points. I dont know if I would even be able to talk about most of them on my blog but I will try.

A video was shown from South Park's - The China Problem. It was the rape of the fictional character Indiana Jones by the director and writer. Now TV in my house was censored when I was growing up, but if I really wanted to I could find a way to watch what I wanted. However I had never watched South Park growing up and in fact only saw an episode a few months ago at my brothers house. I am not familiar with the concept of the show so there may be a bias to my statements. The first thing I will say about the rape scene is that it was intense. I had never felt intensity like that from a cartoon! It shocked and almost disgusted me to the point of I didn't want to watch. Even though it is fiction and not to be taken literally... I don't even know.

I am not one for censorship though and while I don't want to watch it, that does not mean I want it off the air. Films need to be made to send a message to the public, one we may not get otherwise.

Mozart's got nothing on Darren Aronofsky

2009-02-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

And we are back...

(as a disclaimer, my own title makes the english major in me cringe)

It was not the first time I watched Requiem for a Dream, nor was it the last. It seemed a lot harder to deal with the second time around. First difference was the setting where the movie was played. Rather than in my room during the day with all the lights on, we were in a dark lecture type classroom with the movie playing as if in a theater. The loud music combined with the size of the projection screen pulled me into the story and I could not look away. I knew what was coming, I knew when it was coming, but I still could not look away.

I brought two friends with me to the movie. We had all watched it together before. It wasn’t that bad. The arm gets to everyone, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s the obvious delusion of the refrigerator and the electric shock therapy scenes that bug me the most. I think it’s a control thing. I hate being out of control of my thoughts and actions. Taking away my independence is akin to taking away air. Having a loss of control over my mind in which I begin to hallucinate to the point where I believe inanimate are attacking me scares me to the core.

I know I am a legal junkie when I am obsessed with the malpractice of the doctors in the movie. There is addiction and self destruction and I focus on doctors violating ethics. But here is my rant anyway… when Sara is in the psych ward and the doctor wants her to sign the paper to allow EST it makes me want to scream. The woman is delusional and having REFRIGERATORS attack HER and he wants her to give CONSENT for EST! OMG, I die a little each time I see it. As well as the doctor who gives these pills! He is drugging his patients and when they call and complain he brushes them off. Having worked in a doctor’s office where we took the HIPPA privacy laws extremely seriously, I cannot even begin to explain how much it bothers me that this was allowed to happen. Some healthcare system …

After I got out of the movie I called my mom. I lost my father two years ago this Saturday and some of the things said in the movie really hit close to home, too close in fact. When Harry goes to visit Sara and she talks about being lonely and her friends not caring I regret leaving my mother so soon after my father’s death. With my brother in the Midwest and me up here at school, it kills me to know she is alone. But she told me we need to continue with our lives and not stop because something bad happens. I always vow to never let that happen to my mother. I vow to never let her get that lonely, that she will always have someone who cares close by. There are times when I get frustrated that I have to call her and force myself to include her in my life but then I see this movie and I take it all back. I care too much to allow myself to push her away. I would give the world before the loneness became that much. In some ways I relate to Harry, loving my mother but not knowing what to do. I identify with the feelings of frustration of living up to expectations, but I can never lie and walk away like that. I resent his character for doing such a thing.

May the characters take the dreams of the lives they always wanted and hold onto them during times of trial. And for all those in the roles of characters in real life (in any part) may they realize that the bit of hope not found can be found even in darkness.

Too many bleak thoughts before bed, and I have an early class. Nightmares about refrigerators ahoy.

The Problem with Push, Tweak, and my writing

2008-11-20T10:41:00.000-08:00

Tweak and Push are two very personal books on completely different subjects. They are not only personal to the authors that write them, but become personal to the audience following along. I have been thinking about these books constantly over the past two weeks, and I believe that is why I have had a problem writing. I relate to these books very much, and that has scared me. Maybe not always to the problems the authors are having, but to how the characters feel and the lives they live.

For Tweak, everyone has an addiction. This could anything from meth, to cutting, to even just going on roller coasters. For me, its driving. I love the thrill of being in control of a machine going at high speeds. It is an adrenaline rush like no other. The worst the weather the conditions, the higher the level of thrill. Going 90 on a sunny day does not even give me a buzz anymore. It is a scary thought to be able to lose that rush. It is still an addiction and I keep wanting to push the envelope to see how far I can go. I don't want to die or anything and I think that is why I feel it is different. I still have that level of self preservation in my mind as I go speeding down the highway. Also, should I ever get a ticket, I know my feelings will change.

Push effected me in a completely different way. It was a horrific tale that I could not put down. I just wanted to keep reading. It invoked feelings of sadness, rage, and anger. I have known people who have had horrific stories like that. My mother is an inner city high school teacher in New Jersey. She deals with kids who admit to eating only one meal a day and brings them food so they could have a second or third meal. She has gotten books on tape, for kids who want to read but cannot keep up with their normal lessons. She is a math teacher. My mother has also went and brought shirts for kids who come in with ripped and dirty clothes. My heart always breaks and I go to pick out things with her. She has given out essentials for kids who have nothing. There are teachers who do want to help and are willing to go out of their way and do things to give these kids opportunities to have a better life. I have talked with my mother on the phone about this book. We swapped stories and just spoke about the terrible things going on in the world. She tells about having a teen in her class that just moved to the country. He came from a Spanish speaking country and had never been to a school in his life. She had him in her class and had so many problems with him not being able to read, write or even speak in English.

I have had most of this in my head for a few days. I knew I needed to think it through and get all my thoughts out. It was a lot to sort out as shown by the length of my post. I may post again, I still have so much more to say. Till next time......

TWEAK

2008-11-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

I had originally written this as a diary entry, but as this is a blog, scanning my notebook wouldn't exactly work.

I read this book Tweak by Nic Sheff. He writes in more detail then I expected and I wonder how much the drugs effected his writing or maybe not at all. Nic is a drug addict who varies between giving you way to much information on situations you didn't want to know about and leaving you hanging about what is going on in his thoughts. He says he is addicted to drugs and while I don't doubt that, I wonder instead if he is addicted to the feel of the drugs. It seems that in his life he had very little control of what was going on. The drugs allow him to regulate something, feel something.

He always seems to fall into routine between being on drugs, being in rehab, knowing he will relapse, relasping and then back on drugs. He seems to have every oppertunity in the world and the world at his finger tips. He is from a well off slightly... very dysfunctional family who loves him and continue trying to help. He is brillian with the means to succeed in any profession and has had constant support at in his life. Even when he was completely unreasonable and was unable to work out things in his life, he always had someone to turn to which I feel helped him eventually succeed in life.

I will post more after class... so much to say on this book =)

Nightmares Ahoy

2008-10-28T12:06:00.001-07:00

So I decided against any and all of my better judgment to rent Hostel 2 to watch with some friends. Of course if I had to sit through this movie, I was not going to suffer through it alone. So three of us gathered at a friends apartment with the movie and some blankets and decided to watch it. We went and rented Hostel 2, Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Thank You for Smoking. We needed the last to counteract the formers. We never did get to Texas Chain Saw, instead we skipped right to Thank Y0u for Smoking.

This movie made me rethinking ever going backpacking through Europe as I had planned in a few years. Instead, I wanted to curl up under my covers and never come out. The main plot was that these kids that go and stay at a hostel get bid on and sold to be tortured and killed. Three girls wind up being bid on even though you are made to think there are four and eventually you find out one of the girl's love interests is the fourth.

The first girl is kidnapped by a man who she thinks likes her. She was Lily in the princess diaries movies and we called her that instead of her name in the movie. So Lily was killed first by hanging upside down and being slashed up by a scythe, then her throat was slit. The women that brought her was bathing in her blood while she was killing her "prize."

The next was the stereotypical blond. She always wore the short skirt and low cut top. She was taken by a guy who decided to saw her face in half. The guy did not finish because the saw had gotten stuck in her face. The man couldn't finish and was so upset with that happened, as the girl was still alive, that he left the room and didn't want to finish. However, no one can leave without killing someone, so when he got in the elevator to escape that set the dogs on him. So he died.

Another man got the last girl. He had her dressed up as his wife. Talk about solving your relationship problems. She however was just tortured a bit mentally before castrating the man and having him bleed to death while bargaining her way out. A long story short, a lot of people died, we saw someone getting eaten (like cutting off flesh and then eating it) and I almost threw up a dozen times. If I don't have to see another slasher movie, I think I would be perfectly happy.

Ghosts of Abu Ghraib

2008-10-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

It has taken me almost a week to wrap my head around this movie. Immediately after the movie I had no idea what to think or what to say. Everyone noticed a change in me that night as I walked into my room not saying a word. Instead of speaking, I just put my things down silently and crawled into bed for about a half hour. I did have to get up to have dinner and meet with people but I wasn't very talkative.

With that being said, I havc not really gotten the movie out of my head as of yet. When a professor questioned how I liked the movie, I did not know how to respond. It was an interesting tale, was the first thing to come to mind, even though it barely touches the true impact it made upon me. I could not believe what I had seen or what I had heard. It was an insult to every Iraq person, actually it was an insult to any human being with emotions and some form of empathy. For the accused to try and justify their actions... it is beyond my comprehension to even begin to try to understand their motives. I just didn't understand, and that bothered me.

Sabrina Harmann: [holding a large photo of herself smiling with a "thumbs up" gesture in front of the face of a recently deceased prisoner in a body bag] We came to the prison and we were told that a prisoner just died. And he died of a heart attack in the shower and that was they weren't going to come pick him up right away because they didn't have any means and that he was in a body bag. So, of course, Sergeant Frederick and me, we like, OK, it's just a dead body right. He died of a heart attack. So we went in. I believe Corporal Grainer took the photo of me. It was just a dead guy. It was suppose to be just a dead guy. We didn't realize until after these photos that he was bleeding in places that you wouldn't bleed from getting a heart attack. Well - the thumbs up I got that from the little kids. The smile I always smile for the camera. It's the natural thing you do in front of a camera. It really wasn't anything negative towards this guy. Like I didn't know he was just murdered. I thought its just war - another dead guy. No big deal.

This was obnoxious. I cannot even vocalize how angry this made me feel. Maybe it is watching someone you love die that angers me so, but it was horrible. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. I wished that the family of the man would feel justice by their punishments. I do not feel justice from their punishments. I do not think that anything was solved. The problem still exists. I wanted for the longest time to be a JAG in the Air Force. While I may not because of physical limitations, I was saddened that things like this happen but it made my resolve stronger. I just do not understand.

Graphic Novel

2008-10-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

The 9/11 report in graphic novel form was the most disturbing comic book I had ever read. I had never had a problem reading most books, but I put this down several times. Maybe it is because I knew people that died in 9/11 or just that the graphics made it that much more real.

Everyone always asks where were you when the first plane hit? It is not that I do not remember, it just is not as cool as any other story. I was in class in my grammar school, 7th grade and no TVs were allowed to go on and no recess for the day. We didn't know what happened and no one would tell us anything. We all thought it was because of so many kid's parents working in the World Trade Center buildings.

I liked this better then the actual 9/11 report in paper format. It was easier to get sucked into and it was almost like watching the events happen again, which was not so good. I felt this gave me more of a connection to 9/11 by reading and understand what exactly was going on verses just knowing what my parents and media has told me.

Pain in a Spotless Mind

2008-09-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

When remembering all that was written about in the book Pain: The Science of Suffering, people losing limbs was mentioned frequently. If a person should want to erase the instance that the limb was lost, how do they explain why it is gone? In theory they should have memories in which they had it and one day they awake with no memory of how it left or when it happened. To even make the matter simpler, how about we look at a scar. A scar is evidence of an event that happened. Some do fade, but usually it is a blemish forever imprinted upon your skin. When a memory is removed, how do you explain the scar? Usually all scars have a story to go along with it. Whether it is humorous, traumatic, ironic or natural, the stories of scars bring people together. In a popular song titled Swing Life Away by Rise Against the artist speak about this very fact.

"I'll show you mine
If you show me your first
Let's compare scars
I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages
And replace them with our own words"

The lyrics, while somewhat gramatically incorrect (or just incorrect in general *cough*unwrite*cough*), get the point across. In the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind it is entirely possible for people to erase events in which they have recieved scars. How do you explain something you have no memory of? Can you live with that empty memory of how you recieved a mark on your skin that you cannot explain? I couldn't.

Keeping with the theme of pain and music, I realized on my playlist I had two songs that were actually titled Pain. One I am saving for a future post if I do remember to use it. The one I am going to talk about is Three Days Grace's Pain. I have been extremely obsessed with this song since the beginning of my Pain class in school. My favorite lines are such.

"You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can
understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"

The lines have seriously been haunting my sleep. Over the summer after I kept pushing away my then boyfriend and eventually ended the relationship, my mother told me I push people away before they can hurt me. I have been studying my actions, as much as I can from a biased viewpoint, and I have come to concolusions that she is right. Would I erase any of my experiences in life? No, because they made me stronger and able to handle everything. Should I have done things differently? Absolutely. I needed to allow people to help me and listen to what I was going through. Instead I pushed away anyone that wanted to help and shouldered everything on my own. Today, however, I refuse to depend on anyone.

Now as I am beginning to become involved in relationships I throw out everything that would turn people away from me. I never allow myself to get too attached. Never, thought, have I thought that erasing a situation would make everything better. Joel realized this too late but he did come to this point eventually.Even though he had his memories erased and felt the pain of meeting Clementine again he did see that he needed to have the experience of heartbreak to move on.

The Spotless Mind

2008-09-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind was a movie I have actually never seen much less heard of. It may have come up once when discussing movies but most of my friends tend to ignore me since my knowledge of pop culture is lacking (I have never seen ET or Star Wars). So mostly when I do see a movie, I need to think about it for a few days before stating an opinion if I like it or not. I have come to the conclusion that besides having to watch it again, I do like Eternal Sunshine. This movie has given me much to think about over the past few days. I find myself going through my own memories and wondering what I would erase if given the chance. That is if I would erase anything at all.

Most of the traumatic experiences in my life have shaped the person I am today. I know more about life and death then I ever have wanted to, but never was given the choice of having to deal with this emotional pain. I just did. My grandfather died when I was three years old, my mother explained the concept of death to me. I was young but yet old enough to understand that my “pop” was not coming back. Later that year an aide at my preschool had a heart attack and passed away. I was one of the few kids to understand the concept of death already. Most parents wanted it hidden, mine wanted to explain. Throughout the years after I had been to a few funerals and wakes. It was fairly scattered until my high school year. In an act of what can only be described as irony, my grandmothers siblings (starting from youngest to oldest) started dying. There were three consecutive deaths in three consecutive years before the pattern was broken. It happened that the next sister in line became extremely ill but ultimately survived. One of the siblings that passed away, however, was my godmother. There was a year of no deaths and then my grandmother (the oldest of her siblings) died. Another year passed and then the death of my father occurred.

How can you delete a prominent figure in your life? There was talk about deleting an abusive family member but they may still be needed. Deleting the existence of a mother or father, most forms are impossible to fill out. I have continuously needed my mother’s maiden name or my father’s middle to complete sections of documents. For FAFSA, I needed all of my parents information and just because my father died or has been deceased does not mean questions are not asked about him. Erasing a figure also means erasing everything that person ever taught you. From how to ride a bike or how to play a sport, if every memory of that activity included them in some way, do you forget to how to perform that action? The sense of smell is also strongly connected to memory, this is scientifically proven. Do you lose the familiarity of that scent or keep the awareness but not know why it is present? These are not all of the physical questions that just cannot be explained.

The Power of Pain

2008-09-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Pain is never described in the same way by two different people. In the book Pain: The Science of Suffering by Patrick Wall, we find pain explained not only in the scientific sense but in a way understood by all. Everyone has experienced pain, some in the form of illness, some in emotional, some the pain of others around them suffering. Pain is a powerful motivator. When someone is suffering, it’s hard to understand what they are feeling. Pain scales can only tell so much about what a person is feeling.

The experience of trying to convey pain to someone who cannot feel what you do is a hard thing to do successfully. MRIs, CT scans, and x-rays have already predicted some doctor’s movements. The scales set up in “The Sense of Pain” give a realistic sense of how hard it is to articulate the level of pain one undergoes. The book takes us through experiences of people and many different forms of pain. For my brother, a doctor of pharmacy in the Mayo Clinic, pain came in the form of his job. He is an infectious disease specialist and also works on transplant teams in the hospital. As an infectious doctor he deals with the harsh realities of AIDS, CDIFF (a deadly staph infection), and other diseases that are commonly spread and hard to treat or untreatable.

Not only did he have to deal with the harsh reality of dealing with patients dying in the hospital, in February he had to deal with the prospect of his father dying as well. My father was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2006. He did not die from the cancer; my father died from an infection, CDIFF, which attacked his immune system at its weakest. The chapter “Your Pain” really hit home. I know how hard it was for me to cope with my father’s illness, but my brother now had to cope with possibly losing someone to a disease he is spending his life treating. It was hard coping with my own pain and watching my family struggle. It is hard to sit next to someone knowing they are going through pain and sorrow that you could never imagine.

The book explains to us how people cope with pain, what outlets are available, and what people are going through. I even learned about my own condition, something that I had originally just trusted the doctor with and never thought to look up on my own. Everyone feels pain. I just hope that with this book, pain will be a little less of a mystery and a bump in the road of life.

About Me

2008-09-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

I am a college student with very little time on hand for fun, but somehow it manages to happen. I am the VP of the mock trial society on campus and believe politics is best discussed in mixed company over the dinner table. I am a politics and government major (more commonly referred to as PoGo) and a rhetoric and professional writing major. My dream job would be to work on the staff of a politician as a writer or be a DA.

Onto the reason of getting involved in the Pain Seminar. When I was 15 years old, I was in a skiing accident which resulted in two herniated disks in my back. These disks soon began to press upon my sciatic nerve. Before the doctors had found out the problem, the damage had already been done and I was left with sciatica. This was a major step in my life because back surgery was not on my agenda at the age of 16. I still have some problems with my legs, less then a few years ago, but as long as I stay within limitations I am fine.

Other then the physical pain, I have felt emotional pain associated with death. In 2005 my grandmother passed away and two short years later my father died. I feel like the hurdles I have faced in my life have made me into the person I am today. Sic transit Gloria, glory fades. Yet the world still goes on.